The Burden Of The Only Child With A A Distant Aging Parent

When our parents get old, family members do have an opportunity to share the load of ensuring their safety and care. It doesn’t always work out well, with family conflicts being as they are. But in many situations, siblings can help one another in tending to the needs of a parent in declining health. The only child has no such option of help from siblings and sometimes has no one but themselves to rely on.

Case Study: Only Daughter, Crazy Mom

Only Daughter (OD) lives a few states away from her 82 year old mother. OD has a lot on her plate, with work, construction going on in her home, and her own multiple responsibilities with her husband, who is out of work. OD recently learned that her mother has been doing some crazy spending, getting obsessed with donations and depleting her savings. Mom has a financial advisor. OD also learned that the advisor has put her mother in a dangerously risky mix in her investment portfolio: 80% is in stocks! OD knows this is wrong. OD’s own financial advisor saw this and sent a strong letter to Mom’s advisor. He reluctantly reduced the stocks to 66%, which is still much too high for an unstable 82 year old in failing health. Meanwhile, of course, he is collecting fees for all the trades he engages in with Mom’s portfolio.

What Can Daughter Do?

When OD contacted AgingParents.com for advice, she didn’t even know if Mom had done any current estate planning nor where the documents were located. When she found them and we reviewed them, we recognized right away that she was appointed with full authority on a very well drafted Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA), effective now, and that OD was also the successor trustee on Mom’s trust. They are the only two remaining family members. With Mom’s obvious impairment for making safe financial decisions, the burden of protecting her mother falls solely on OD. She took over with our encouragement.

Only Daughter’s Fears

We advised OD that her authority under Mom’s DPOA would allow her to terminate Mom’s financial advisor immediately and to transfer all Mom’s funds to a more responsible and ethical entity or person. She could accomplish that quickly. She was afraid that Mom would be upset with her, but she got our advice about how to approach Mom and her point of leverage. Mom wants very much to stay in her condo as long as possible. OD can truthfully tell Mom that she can’t remain there unless OD takes over financial decisions. That will work. There is no one else to help Mom. Fortunately they do get along. Mom trusts OD and recognizes that it’s time to allow OD to be in charge.

Other Responsibilities

OD reported a long list of Mom’s medical diagnoses and that she is visually impaired, can’t drive anymore and that she is sedentary and isolated. All of these can lead to crises, and OD is terrified that she can’t just leave at a moment’s notice and go to Mom if something goes wrong suddenly. She is overwhelmed with all the decisions that are on her shoulders alone.

Setting Priorities

We advised OD to first use her legal authority to change financial advisors and stop Mom from her profligate spending habit. That is a matter of presenting Mom’s advisor with the document, the DPOA, terminating their management and getting funds transferred to someone OD trusts. Prior to receiving our advice and strategy, OD had never even looked at the DPOA. The spending problem had gone on too long but now will be under control.

Healthcare

We then turned our attention and OD’s to the management of Mom’s health. She lives alone. She has a housekeeper and a friend to occasionally drive her somewhere, but no help apart from that. We advised OD about how to find a home care worker and how to pitch this. Mom needs a consistent driver. That will be the path to getting regular help in for Mom, as that’s one thing she admits she does need. The “driver” can be an experienced home care worker OD finds, with guidance, who can offer a lot of other help such as shopping, cooking bathing, and whatever else is identified as a need. OD doesn’t want the further burden of managing the home care worker. We advised her to hire a geriatric care manager to take that responsibility off OD’s shoulders. She was relieved to hear that such help exists. She had never heard of it before.

Because she described her Mom as “kinda crazy” she had no interest in moving Mom closer to her. There are enough resources left in Mom’s portfolio to pay for help at home, where Mom prefers to be anyway. But stopping the wild and dangerous spending Mom was into was essential to allow Mom to keep enough money on hand to pay for the home care she needs.

The Takeaways

Anyone who is an only child, or the only responsible adult child, faces a large and possibly heavy burden as the parent’s health declines. Help is out there if you have no other family or the family you have is unwilling to share the burden. If this is YOU, remember these tips:

1. Resources exist to lighten your load. You need to find what is available in your aging parent’s area and make use of what you can. Don’t do it all by yourself. Most services cost, but volunteer networks are also available for such things as calling the elder daily to check in, or visiting them. The local Area Agency On Aging is a place to start the search for help.
2. Know your legal authority and use it. OD had never seen the documents on which she was appointed. She needed to exercise her authority over finances to stop the improper and unethical conduct of Mom’s advisor who was taking advantage of her unstable mental status.
3. If you see the warning signs OD saw with her Mom, crazy spending, depleting assets, and you feel helpless, get past that feeling. A lot can be done when you have a strategy in place and know your direction. It takes courage. Most only children can find that courage. They are probably used to it.